A question or two and then begin...

What are you supposed to do, when all around seems alien and strange? Where am I supposed to look to find the answers to questions that I feel I ought already to know the answers to. This summer has been truly terrible. It's hard to pin-point one thing that makes it so bad, rather it is the culmination of events, thoughts, and feelings that has left me staring out into space for much of the day today. There is little point in starting at the beginning, for I do not even know where the beginning is. You could say simplistically that it started with losing my job this summer or, searching deeper, you could say that it started as a child, being afraid of being left on my own; terrified of being abandoned for reasons I don't understand. What are these triggers that change me from being reasonably contented (within the realms of my own possibility) to being utterly void of rational thought and emotion?

Today, I feel unwell. Not only do I feel mentally unwell, but also physically - the psychological processes I have of late been failing to deal with have finally exhibited themselves as a rather wearisome cold/sore throat/headache etc etc. I dragged myself into work but only lasted a couple of hours. I felt bad about having to leave but I also knew that I was no good today. Not good for anything. I went home and sat on my bed from 12 noon until about 6pm, just staring vacantly at the four walls of my bedroom, not knowing what to do with myself and not knowing how to change the way I was feeling. Periodically my nose needed blowing or the angular cheilitis on my mouth needed wiping, but these actions only served to remind me just how run down I've got. Only 3 months ago I was in New Zealand. I was in New Zealand and I was doing just fine (well, reasonably fine). What has happened to me to change everything around so fast? I can barely think about what I'm going to do with myself this evening, let alone organise putting myself on a bus or train to go down to Eastbourne on Friday; something which I really do need to organise. I plucked up the courage (and it really did take courage, which frankly, is ridiculous) to call my best friend. I know when I am like this I am not a very helpful person to talk with on the phone - too many tears and too much snot and not enough common sense - but I needed to know that there was someone out there who actually cared. Of course, I already know she cares, that's why she is my best friend, but I often need reassuring on this point, particularly when I am feeling low. She made the usual suggestiong, watch a film (don't have a dvd player), read a book (haven't got around to taking any books out of storage) etc, and whilst these suggestions were of course useless, her time and gentle cooing reassured me enough to make me decide it was time to leave the house, get some fresh (rainy) air and do something constructive. Normally on a Wednesday evening I would be working in the charity shop, but having experienced some difficulties recently with some "unwelcome attention" from a member of staff (sometimes it takes a lot to get someone to understand that "no" really is "no") and finding that all too much on top of all the other difficulties I have, I am not working there tonight. However, I decided that it would still be ok to go to the shop and return a dress that "he" had bought for me (completely inappropriately) as a surprise present (all I did was point it out in the window of another shop and say "that's nice"; that was not a hint that I wanted him to buy it for me for heaven's sake). However the shop was closed and I am now experiencing feelings of guilt that it may be closed because I'm not there, that there weren't enough volunteers. Great, just what I need, more feelings of guilt. As if I haven't got buckets of that stored in my bottom drawer already for occasions just like this. I got home and ate a somewhat ridiculous amount of sweetcorn with too much black pepper sprinkled on the top and a couple of vegetarian sausages. I strange dinner but somehow it matched my mood surprisingly well. Often when I am feeling low my appetite is the first thing to go and I am unable to find anything appealing to eat. I've lost weight over this summer and it's entirely because I can't find anything to eat rather than me not being hungry per se. How strange. I then of course didn't know what to do with myself and I somehow found myself setting up this blog. Perhaps it will be good for me, I've killed half an hour writing this so far, which is better than killing myself which was an alternative thought (which has actually been a serious contemplation on and off for the past 8 years or so, what a depressing thought). In terms of the latter, I rather feel like Laura Jesson (Brief Encounter), standing on the platform, thinking that she would like to say that it was the thought of Fred and the children that stopped her, but it wasn't, she just felt numb and like she never wanted to feel anything again. Perhaps that is something to be returned to another day.

I'm tired, despite having spent most of the day not really doing anything, and my head is woozy. Time to stop.